I think, i think..

...

that somehow, i did cause trouble and misunderstanding between people. i saw their face, the sadness in their eyes. i saw them pulling away, feeling betrayed. i saw them sitting apart, pretending to enjoy their life. i saw them turn away, ignoring each other in the face. i saw the tears, they tried so hard to blink away. i saw the hole in their heart, growing bigger &bigger every single day. i heard their voices, pleaing to get away. i saw friendships breaking apart &patching up.

things always ain't the same.
this life im living in, is not giving me a sense of security.
and i thought, i thought.
maybe i can solve the problem by getting myself a boyfriend. -.-
but it'll all amounts to nothing in the end.

the problem does lies in me. if i go away, will things still be the same?

im broken.
im devastated.
the problems never seem to end.

and this makes me think back of my life in SAPS.

i looked at the people trying to fit in. i know they were the outcast. a small selfish part of me felt relieved, relieved to have such a sense of security in me. we've been glued tightly together since primary three. we truimped at each other success. we comfort each other when things get stupid. we laughed at each other mistake. we encourage each other. we get up and walk together. we were a group, a clicke. we were the TRIO - lolo, chang &me.

i remember our promise to stay together near PSLE, when all of us worries about each other, whether we would be together. the idea seems sort of distant to me. the day i loyee change her mind and said she'll go to nanyang. i smile. i saw her joy, her parents joy, her whole family's joy. and i know, yeah. she belongs there. a top scorer like her shouldn't waste her life away in ridervamp. i felt broken, the feeling of seperation.

but we're the trio, nothing could break us apart. i could not stand the idea of meeting each other only occasionally. so i came up with the idea of meeting each other every saturday for SS. and all i look forward to everyday is SS. it hurts when i can't go for one because of groupworks. the last time i saw lo was 3 weeks ago?

im happy for our friendship. im glad that we didn't drift apart. i saw cloud &annabelle distant away. i saw valerie moaning that she hadn't seen her best friend for 3 months. i saw genie &melody break away. and im relieved, that we braved through all the storms.

Sometime the sun will shine, but life has its ups and downs so that we can get a rainbow in the end.

i yearned for the times in p6'05. our capable teacher, mrs ho. though she was scorn upon by other teachers, she always remains positive. she injects courage, compassion, love etcetc. into us. i always thought ms lim was the best teacher. i felt rejected when ms lim just stare at me the visit back to saps. but now thinking back, mrsho. she's a teacher to be praised. she works for us. i love her.

i love all my classmates. we used to laugh at the idea that we would not be able to see each another next year. i guess it came through didn't it? i miss the times during psle, when me loyee and chang started the trend of going to the library. the boys even gave up soccer and went to the library! i remember the times after psle, i remember the daidi we played. i remember the gameboy youwei was hook upon. i remember farez attempts of playing heart attack. i remember everything. and i don't wanna let go of it. that day in SAPS. as i look around in it again, i cried. i cried okay. everythings just dissparates from me.

why can't i have everything in life?
i would give up everything in ridervamp, just to have that idiotic malcolm scorning at me.

im beat,
emotionally worn-out.

i guess i shall sleep right now,
no one is going to stop me from going back to saps on teacher's day. you heard me?

NO ONE.